Fact
When the pilot says it's going to take a bit longer to take off, they actually left their plane keys at home on the counter.
Tips for success
If you ever see a deer on the road, speed up to scare it out of the way.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You know more about your favorite fictional character than you do about your best friend.
Fact
The guy sitting in front of you at performances will always have a large head.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You mark all of your old emails as "unread" just to make it feel like people actually email you.
Realized
If there are free refills, there's no point in getting anything larger than a small.
Tips for success
Mix colors and whites in your wash machine so people won't think you're racist.
Definition
Childhood (noun) - When you could eat a candy cane without anyone thinking it looked dirty.
Tips for success
The next time someone asks you what you're eating, simply open your mouth and show them. People will appreciate the visual aid.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your best pick up line is "Get in the van!"
To do list
Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!"
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your fat rolls have become your own personal filing cabinet.
Tips for success
If the hot guy at school is moody, sleepy-looking and avoiding you, be sure to follow him. He is most definitely a vegetarian vampire and is SO into you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You've started taking dental advice from Ke$ha.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You planned your own surprise party. The surprise was that nobody showed up.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You can feel the baby kicking... and gnawing.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your daughter works at the same strip club that you frequent.
Realized
No one questions where life gets all its lemons from.
Definition
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
Tips for success
To save time on giving your child "the talk," just let them sift through your spam folder.
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