Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Fact
You are never more than 10 feet from a spider.
Fact
Taylor Swift didn't even bother to read the CliffsNotes.
Realized
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You found a penny on the ground and picked it up excitedly. You actually needed the penny.
Tips for success
When someone confesses they have loved you since the 8th grade, shrug it off. This person is most likely a loser.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your idea of getting "tail" involves animals.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You can't tell if your blind date is a man or a woman. You're turned on anyway.
Definition
Black Hole (noun) - The space between the seat and the center console in your car.
To do list
Walk up to a random person in the airport. Tell them to not get on the plane. Run away.
Fact
The sneakier you try to be, the more noise you make.
To do list
Break up with boyfriend. Get another cat.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your husband went on a business trip. He's unemployed.
Definition
Winnie the Pooh (proper noun) - A fat bear with an eating disorder.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You like the Glee version of a song more than the real one.
Definition
Jumbo shrimp (noun) - The most delicious form of irony.
Realized
An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.
Tips for success
Mayonnaise is a great cheap alternative to suntan lotion.
Tips for success
The best way to get into a lady's pants is to borrow her jeans.
Tips for success
Use a small child as a sled. It really doesn't matter if there is snow or not. Just find a hill.
To do list
Complain about deer eating my flowers. Release a dozen wolves into the neighborhood.