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Definition
I may or may not have (phrase) - I did.
Realized
Sarcasm applies the most to people too dumb to understand it.
Definition
Awkward (adjective) - When you walk out of the handicap stall and there is a person in a wheelchair waiting for you to finish in an empty bathroom.
Fact
Orangutans are the gingers of the monkey world.
Realized
Math problems are like farts, the smaller ones seem better, but they're really the worst of all.
Definition
I'll do it in a minute (phrase) - I'm never going to do it, I just want you to shut up.
Definition
Assorted flavors (phrase) - Two good flavors and nineteen other ones that taste like crap.
Tips for success
If you want to be taken more seriously, never blink.
Definition
All natural and gluten free (phrase) - Code for "non-edible."
Signs that things aren't going so well
The woman you were about to marry just exploded into an octopus.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Angelina Jolie gave you up for adoption.
Realized
Grapefruits are nothing like grapes.
Fact
It is impossible to look sexy while eating spaghetti.
Fact
The guy sitting in front of you at performances will always have a large head.
To do list
Tell ex I still love her. Make out behind the school. Dump her that night.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You have a difficult time understanding sarcasm. This is your favorite website.
Definition
You're a really nice guy (phrase) - I will never ever date you.
Definition
Coming out of the cupboard (phrase) - When you announce to the world that you are a wizard.
Realized
All of the Disney princesses have serious daddy issues.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You just found out that your wife's nickname in college was "The Whore-ient Express."