Definition
Flabbergasted (adjective) - The shock you experience when you realize how fat you've gotten.
Definition
Constellation (noun) - A random jumble of stars connected randomly and then said to form an animal, but more closely resembling a pile of bull crap.
Tips for success
Sing the Pink Panther theme song when stealing things. This raises your stealth ability by 50%.
Definition
Bacon (noun)- Meat candy.
To do list
Become a teacher. Dress up as Gandalf. Tell students, "you shall not pass!"
Signs that things aren't going so well
Even cleverbot is weirded out by your attempts at flirting.
Realized
Nobody works on labor day.
Definition
Gym class (noun) - Why girls shave in the winter.
Tips for success
Give a man a fire, and warm him for a day. Light a man on fire, and he'll leave you alone forever.
Tips for success
When downloading large files, turn your computer screen on its side to increase the speed of the progress bar.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You just graduated with a Master's. Your boss never finished high school.
Realized
Those signs that say "Slow Children Playing" are so mean.
Tips for success
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Date all of your best friend's exes.
Tips for success
Put the "fun" in funeral with a few well placed jokes about the deceased. People will appreciate your humor.
Fact
There's no "i" in team but there is an "i" in cliché.
Tips for success
Ask a girl out on April Fool's day. If rejected, respond, "April fools!" just to make it feel like you weren't rejected.
Definition
Pilgrims (noun) - The original illegal immigrants.
Tips for success
To save time on giving your child "the talk," just let them sift through your spam folder.
Fact
You can make up a random holiday and people will believe you. Happy Leaf Ericson day.
Definition
Frustration (noun) - Attempting to hunt down those last few cherrios in your bowl of milk.
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