Signs that things aren't going so well
Your wife refers to you at parties as "the elephant in the room."
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your parents give you a bath toy. It's a toaster.
Signs that things aren't going so well
It's not PMS, it's just your personality.
Realized
Pilots are just glorified bus drivers.
Definition
Swimming pool (noun) - Pee soup.
To do list
Dump a bag of Skittles in the toilet. Flush. Watch a three second NASCAR race.
Tips for success
Always wear trenchcoats to crowded playgrounds to protect your body from dangerous germs.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're eligible for group insurance if you gain 5 more pounds.
Definition
And you were there (phrase) - The only way to get someone to listen to your dream, whether they were actually there or not.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You just used the phrase, "I'll Yahoo it."
Definition
Amusement (noun) - Watching your teacher spend 90% of the class time attempting to work the SmartBoard.
Tips for success
Spend cab fare on shots. Take ambulance home.
Fact
T-Rex's were only angry and aggressive because their arms weren't long enough to hug one another.
Fact
A five ounce migratory swallow cannot carry a one pound coconut.
To do list
Get grenades. Play a game of catch with Bruno Mars.
Signs that things aren't going so well
It's your birthday. You have no notifications on Facebook.
Tips for success
Sing the Pink Panther theme song when stealing things. This raises your stealth ability by 50%.
To do list
Name a file "The World". When you're done with it, save it.
Fact
Girls get mad if you lie to them. They get mad if you don't tell them they're pretty. Sometimes you have to pick one.
Fact
If people didn't exist, unicorns would.
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