To do list
Go to a football game, hold up a sign that reads "The guy behind me can't see."
Fact
Not all people with mustaches are pedophiles, but all pedophiles have mustaches.
Definition
Happy Birthday (phrase) - Congratulations on not dying in the past 365 days.
Fact
If you have to tell people you're famous, you're not.
Definition
What could possibly go wrong? (phrase) - What you say right before something goes terribly wrong.
Realized
The amount of toothbrushes in your bathroom will always be greater than the amount of people who live in your house.
Realized
Today I broke my record for days of not dying. I plan to break it again tomorrow.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're 8 months pregnant and no one has noticed.
To do list
Spread nutella on diaper. Lick in public.
Definition
High School reunion (noun) - The old fashioned way of seeing how fat everyone got.
Fact
Your parents never took your dog to go live on a farm.
Tips for success
Never hit a man with glasses. To be effective, hit him with something much bigger and heavier.
Tips for success
Save a tree, wipe with an owl.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your cats mistake your unshaven legs for their scratching posts.
Definition
Sleep (noun) - Nothing that can't be solved with a little caffeine.
Tips for success
It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, as long as refills are free.
Tips for success
When having an "I love you more" argument with your significant other, tell them they're right. They'll appreciate your agreeable nature.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Tips for success
Say no to drugs. Because if drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too much already.
Tips for success
Get a really bad hair piece. It worked for Donald Trump and it will work for you.
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