To do list
Dump a bag of Skittles in the toilet. Flush. Watch a three second NASCAR race.
Tips for success
When people tell you to stop drinking, they mean ALL liquids. It is imperative that you do so.
Definition
Independent (Adjective) - How we want our kids to be as long as they do everything we say.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your Christmas gifts to friends and family were "1 Free Hug" passes. You have no arms.
Fact
Bad decisions make for good stories.
Realized
They sell animal crackers at the zoo.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your parents sell you to buy a puppy.
Tips for success
Spend cab fare on shots. Take ambulance home.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Watching "Saw 3" brings back memories...
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your bedbugs are starting to spend quality time with you during the day as well.
Tips for success
To avoid oversleeping, simply place a set mouse trap on top of your snooze button.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're the reason for the warning label.
Realized
Eating junk food after working out doesn't defeat the purpose, it justifies the cause.
Realized
According to reality TV, my life isn't real...
Realized
The amount of toothbrushes in your bathroom will always be greater than the amount of people who live in your house.
Tips for success
Ask a girl out on April Fool's day. If rejected, respond, "April fools!" just to make it feel like you weren't rejected.
To do list
Buy a Volkswagen beetle. Drive past children and watch them punch each other.
To do list
Put sign over entrance to an empty auditorium which reads, "Ninja Convention."
To do list
Go to the mall. Find a couple making out. Sit next to them and cry.
Tips for success
Learn how to spell. Auto correct isn't always write.
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