Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Tips for success
Never apologize, it's a sign of weakness.
Fact
Residents always drive 10 miles over the speed limit, tourists always drive 10 under.
To do list
Spend thousands of dollars on college education. Get free school t-shirt.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You have to ask your principal if Middle School offers maternity leave.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You were just involved in a fatal car accident. You weren't wearing your good underwear.
Signs that things aren't going so well
When in doubt you think to yourself "What would Snookie do?"
Definition
Old (adjective) - Point at which the candles cost more than the cake.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You left your phone in your pocket. The wash machine just started the rinse cycle.
Tips for success
Regardless of your server's gender at Friday's, when they ask "What can I get you?" respond with "A date."
Fact
If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your girlfriend just took off her jacket to keep you warm.
Definition
Heaven (noun) - Place where you have endless bubble wrap.
Tips for success
When a sign says "Stay Off", they obviously meant to stay off the sign, go right ahead and step all over the grass.
Tips for success
If stopped by a policeman, run. This is a good way to exercise your tax dollars.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your imaginary girlfriend turned down your proposal.
Definition
Halloween (proper noun) - The only time you're encouraged to take candy from strangers.
Realized
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except for you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You write songs about your failed relationships. You have more than 70 songs.
Definition
CLASS (acronym) - Come Late And Start Sleeping.
Definition
Cell phone (noun) - 50.3% Clock, 20.2% Flashlight, 10.4% Camera, 5.1% Awkward situation avoider, 4.9% Texting, and 0.1% Actually calling people.