There are 3 levels of pain: pain, excruciating pain, and stepping on a Lego.
Tips for success
If you ask a woman if she's pregnant, and it turns out she isn't, tell her that she's about to be. This will defuse the awkwardness of the situation.
Realized
I'm not the praised genius that my mom convinced me I was.
Signs that things aren't going so well
A terrorist just told you, "You da bomb!"
Realized
Just because you were bitten by a spider does not mean you'll immediatly start shooting webs out of your wrists.
Signs that things aren't going so well
There is a jungle cat in your bathroom.
Realized
The only thing worse than a warm toilet seat is a wet one.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your stalker is the only one who remembered your birthday.
Tips for success
When doing a class presentation speak with a heavy accent. If they don't understand what you are saying, they won't ask questions.
Fact
Blueberries are just peas holding their breath.
Definition
Vegetarian (adjective) - Ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt or fish.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The really hot girl beside you just said "SAFETY!"
Tips for success
Always talk to strangers. They have the best candy.
Tips for success
When driving, keep in mind that STOP is an acronym for Slight Tap On Pedal.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You've been asked to be the "before" part of a weight loss commercial.
Tips for success
Get a really bad hair piece. It worked for Donald Trump and it will work for you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The other side of your pillow is warm too.
Definition
Irony (noun) - It was the stress release candles that started the fire.
Tips for success
Facts
Signs that things aren't going so well
Realized
To do list
Definitions
Popular
Moderate
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