Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
To do list
Name kid Ed. Tell him he's special.
Tips for success
Push all your friends off a cliff. Don't jump. Prove to your mom that you don't do things just because everyone else is doing them.
Fact
Your bed will never be as comfy as it is on Monday morning when the alarm clock rings.
Realized
If you take the vowels out of boys, you have "BS." If you take the vowels out of female, you have "FML."
Fact
You will always clip your fingernails on the day you need them the most.
Definition
Calculus (noun) - When letters have a midlife crisis and decide to be numbers.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You begin seeing penguins and carousel horses dancing around after Mary Poppins gives you medicine with a "spoon full of sugar."
Definition
Disappointment (noun) - When you realize that your chocolate bunny is hollow.
Fact
The mosquito in your bedroom is never visible and only audible when you are almost asleep.
Signs that things aren't going so well
A hipster is interested in dating you, only because you're not cool.
Tips for success
Wear all your confederate flag gear to your neighbor's Kwanza party.
Tips for success
If your phone rings during a job interview, make sure to answer it. Your interviewer will realize how important you are and hire you on the spot.
Tips for success
Save money by using wood putty to fill cavities instead of going to the dentist.
Fact
90% of girls who wear yoga pants don't actually do yoga.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Oscar the Grouch lives in a recycling bin.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Both your bed and your girlfriend can be deflated.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You don't even get coal for Christmas.
Tips for success
Unplug your roommate's alarm clock. They will appreciate the extra sleep.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your tips for the week were $12. You spend it on catnip for your cat.
Tips for success
When interviewing for a job, don't shower for weeks, your natural pheromones will help you stand out from the other candidates.