Signs that things aren't going so well
Cleverbot broke up with you.
Fact
Raccoons grow up to be hats.
Realized
Math problems are the only time two trains can be speeding towards each other, and no one is concerned.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your boyfriend has bigger boobs than you do.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You'd literally do anything for a Klondike bar.
To do list
Go to a volleyball game. Wait for first serve. Run onto court screaming "WILSON!!!"
Definition
I'm fine (phrase) - I am in a horrible depression, but you're supposed to already know that.
Tips for success
To avoid a last minute time crunch on Christmas, wrap the puppy in a box several weeks in advance.
Tips for success
Staring at the sun for prolonged periods of time will give you the ability to see aliens.
Definition
Drunk (adjective) - When your friend congratulates a potato on getting a part in Toy Story.
Tips for success
After washing your pet, always remember to put it in the microwave to dry it.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Someone asks you if you got punched under both eyes.
Fact
Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.
Realized
Cavemen always tied in rock, paper, scissors.
Definition
Peter Pan (noun) - A story encouraging boys to stalk girls and their families, kidnap them, take them to their house, and force the girls to become the mother of several children that you have found over the years.
Fact
The only joy greater than seeing blue toilet water, is peeing in it to make it green.
Tips for success
When dining alone, buy enough food for two and spread it around the table. It will look like you're waiting for a friend for at least half the meal.
Definition
The iPad (proper noun) - Because not enough people noticed you with the iPhone.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The guy you're in love with is dating your brother.
Tips for success
Create a "Where's Waldo?" book. Don't put Waldo in it.
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