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I'll do it in a minute (phrase) - I'm never going to do it, I just want you to shut up.
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College (noun) - Where sleep is replaced by caffeine.
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Halloween (noun) - The one day that Star Wars fans aren't made fun of for being in costume.
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Awkward (adjective) - When you step out of the handicapped stall in a public bathroom to a person in a wheelchair waiting for you get out.
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Adults (noun) - People who think it's okay to give teenagers their responsibilities but not their rights.
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Awkward (adjective) - When you say goodbye to someone, but they keep walking the same way as you.
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Evening News (noun) - Where they begin with "Good Evening" and proceed to tell you why it's not.
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Happiness (noun) - When the waitress brings you your food.
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Relief (noun) - When your girlfriend gets her periods.
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Unicorn (noun) - When a narwhal and a horse love each other very much...
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Facebook (proper noun) - Where grammar goes to die.
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Pessimist (noun) - An optimist with real world experience.
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Agony (noun) - The three-day waiting period before your Netflix arrives.
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Hike (verb) - Walking where it is okay to pee.
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Pilgrims (noun) - The original illegal immigrants.
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Cleavage (noun) - A channel for crumbs to pass from your mouth to your belly button.
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What do the words on your shirt say? (phrase) - I am now going to stare at your boobs for ten seconds.
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Dictionary (noun) - Something you used to have before you met Google.
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Gummy Vitamin (noun) - The only vitamin with which the overdose warning is necessary.
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HOMEWORK (acronym) - Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge.