Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Fact
You are more likely to be hit by lightning on your way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to actually win the lottery.
Fact
Alcohol gives you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.
Fact
The slowness of the car in front of you is directly proportional to how late you are.
Fact
Wearing socks with sandals is only acceptable when wearing a fanny pack.
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The bus will only be late on the days that it is raining.
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The five second rule can be extended to any amount of time that food was left on the floor.
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Your diet always starts next Monday.
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Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the jeans.
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You will know song lyrics after one time hearing them. You won't know the answers on a test you studied hours for.
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An accent makes you ten times more attractive.
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The older you get, the more you understand the dirty innuendos of Spongebob Squarepants.
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You can never breathe normally whenever you think about breathing normally.
Fact
Black holes are the places where God divided by zero.
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If you eat crayons, you'll poop rainbows.
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No one is as ugly as their drivers license picture, or as good-looking as their Facebook profile picture.
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Honey is bee vomit. When someone calls you "honey", they're insulting you.
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What you don't know won't kill you, unless it's your allergen information.
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If you look on the bright side for too long, you'll go blind.
Fact
The queen ant is a total slut.