Fact
The three most common lies you will ever hear: 1. I'm fine. 2. I have no more gum. 3. You will use Algebra in real life.
Fact
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Fact
Each breath you take is just someone else's diluted fart.
Fact
Every sound you hear at night is a serial killer.
Fact
The moment you are comfortable enough to go to sleep is the same moment you have the urge to pee.
Fact
Stop signs are for people less important than you are.
Fact
You always remember the question you missed on the test about 5 seconds after you turn it in.
Fact
Girls are like trees, they hate axe.
Fact
Every time a girl gets a new boyfriend, an older brother buys a new nerf gun.
Fact
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a terrible way to tell your child that they're adopted.
Fact
Boys are 10 times more attractive when they have a girlfriend.
Fact
There's no "i" in team but there is an "i" in cliché.
Fact
Politicians, like diapers, should be changed often; and for the same reason.
Fact
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Fact
When attempting to sneak around, everything becomes 10 times louder.
Fact
Everything you do seems louder when you're staying up later than your parents want you to.
Fact
No matter what car insurance you have, you will save money switching to another.
Fact
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Fact
Even if you swear it's there, a fruit fly will always make others question your sanity.
Fact
We're all so mature until a friend comes along with bubble wrap.