Signs that things aren't going so well
The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
Realized
All of my favorite childhood shows have either been canceled or screwed up.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your new "all cake all the time" diet is an improvement from your previous diet.
To do list
Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!"
Definition
Let's take it slow (phrase) - Your breath stinks.
Fact
When dropped, the 5 second rule can be applied to babies too.
Realized
If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked me for money, I'd still say no.
To do list
Eat make-up. Feel pretty inside.
Definition
Laughter (noun) - When a smile has an orgasm.
Fact
The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false.
Fact
Adding "and then we made out" will make every story sound ten times better.
Fact
Adding a winky face can make anything sound dirty. ;)
To do list
Quit job. Make house into a heavily fortified bomb shelter. Await the zombie apocalypse.
Tips for success
To disinfect your insides, drink hand sanitizer.
Realized
You can't talk while inhaling through your nose.
Fact
The more you want to talk to someone the longer it takes them to text you back.
Realized
When someone says, "This isn't up to par," they're complimenting your excellent work since in golf you try to score below par.
Tips for success
To ensure that your Facebook friends are always entertained, update your status approximately every five minutes, preferably with tidbits about your failed relationships.
Tips for success
Sing along with your headphones so everyone can enjoy the song.
Definition
Teenager (noun) - When you're too young for half the things you want to do and too old to do the other half.
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