Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your doppelganger is Rosie O'Donnell.
Realized
"Google before you tweet" is the new "think before you speak."
Realized
I only use Google Maps to see which of my neighbors has a pool, so I can be friends with them.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your boyfriend calls and cancels because he's "washing his hair."
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your idea of getting high is eating a whole bottle of Flinstone Gummies.
Fact
The tall person will always sit in front of you in the cinema.
Fact
Your favourite TV shows will stop being good when you show them to someone else.
To do list
Call friend. Pretend friend was the one calling me.
Definition
Kindergarten teacher (noun) - Someone who makes the little things in life count.
Realized
Depression is always cured by antidepressants. It either gets rid of your depression or you kill yourself from the suicidal thoughts it causes.
Realized
Cinderella is proof that a pair of shoes can change a girl's life.
Definition
Because I said so (phrase) - What parents say when they don't actually have a reason for making you do something.
To do list
Walk into an elevator full of strangers and say "I bet you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today..."
Definition
Teenager (noun) - When you're too young for half the things you want to do and too old to do the other half.
To do list
Find Bruno Mars' girlfriend. Throw a grenade at her.
Tips for success
In order to prevent hangovers, be sure to maintain a high alcohol content in your bloodstream at all times.
To do list
Wait for history to repeat itself. Get dinosaur as pet.
Tips for success
To avoid Easter with your family this year, try to beat your personal record at driving with your eyes closed on the way over.
Tips for success
Tell a girl that you've recently become more attracted to her. Then explain it's because she's gained so much weight that her gravitational pull exceeds that of earth's.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You finally found that 20 dollar bill you were looking for. It was in your fat folds.