Tips for success
When called by an unlisted number, answer the phone with a heavy foreign accent and seem confused.
Fact
Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them. But when snakes get scared, they start biting people...
Definition
Are you sure? (phrase) - I want you to pay for me, but I want to be polite about it.
Realized
Math problems are the only time two trains can be speeding towards each other, and no one is concerned.
Definition
Homework (noun) - A legal form of forced labor.
To do list
Make an online dating site for bullies. Name it intimidating.com.
Definition
Teenager (noun) - When you're too young for half the things you want to do and too old to do the other half.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your girlfriend just took off her jacket to keep you warm.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You lost 200 pounds. You live in England.
To do list
Call friend. Pretend friend was the one calling me.
Tips for success
When someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, respond with "I love U2."
Definition
Diploma (noun) - A piece of paper that shows you knew how to use Wikipedia and cheat for four years.
Fact
You will never be too old to be embarrassed by your parents.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Autotune isn't making your singing better.
Definition
Love songs (noun) - A genre of music that is overly played yet still manages to mock you with a romance that you can never have.
Tips for success
To keep your toilet fresh, always keep it covered in clear plastic wrap. Your roommates will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Definition
Capability (noun) - The ability to wear capes.
Definition
Canadians (noun) - Americans who learned to diet and exercise.
Fact
Your parents never took your dog to go live on a farm.
To do list
Open up a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Throw away the lid.
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