Definition
Twitter (noun) - The social network that your parents and close relatives haven't ruined for you yet.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're using the gravitational pull from your immense obesity to attract food.
Definition
Sadness (noun) - The feeling you get when you finish your homework, then you realize there is a back side.
Fact
That "empty space" in a crowded parking lot, will ALWAYS be a small car or motorcycle just out of view.
Definition
Google (noun, verb) - The reason why you are passing high school.
Fact
Kissing was invented by cannibals.
Definition
Abstract art (noun) - The solution to "I can't paint."
Definition
Handicap stall (noun) - The first-class cabin of public restrooms.
Fact
Marriage is the number one cause for divorce.
Realized
"Jersey Shore" could be renamed to "How to make millions with an IQ of under 50."
To do list
Walk casually from an exploding building.
Signs that things aren't going so well
There is a direct correlation between your happiness and the number of people who like your Facebook status.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You've actually read the terms and conditions.
To do list
Put empty cereal box in cabinet. Watch family members have disappointment for breakfast.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You dated Taylor Swift. She didn't write a song about it.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Even the voices in your head don't like you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're watching a weight loss commercial and wishing you could be that thin. Your looking at the "before" picture.
Fact
You never realize how much you use a letter until it stops working on your keyboard.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You are wearing your wedding dress to prom to save money.
Tips for success
Bring a wheelchair to Disneyland.
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