Tips for success
To get rid of wrinkles, simply iron your face.
Definition
Shower (noun) - A sunburn detector.
Tips for success
Nothing says "I love you" like a plastic heart-shaped balloon that says "I love you."
Definition
High School (noun) - Where self-esteem, innocence, and dreams go to die.
Tips for success
In golf, the best players score under par. You can apply this winning mentality to your own life by striving to be subpar.
Tips for success
Never compliment your girlfriend. She will become so insecure that she won't even think of leaving you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You can't remember all of your cats names.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your pet rock died.
Fact
As soon as you click the X on your frozen browser, it will un-freeze and work perfectly right before closing.
Fact
I could be naked this very moment, and you would never know it.
To do list
Steal a donut truck. Get in a high speed chase with police. Watch police chase down the donut truck.
Fact
Every time someone says they need to talk to you, you think about all the bad things you've done recently.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're flirting with a guy. You're at a family reunion.
Definition
OMGZZZ (acronym) - The mating call of tweens everywhere.
Tips for success
Keep your blinkers on at all times just in case you should decide to turn at some point. You can never be too prepared.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're getting a divorce and your parents just hired the best lawyer they can afford... for your ex-wife.
Tips for success
Money is considered a liability to banks. Steal some to relieve them of their burden.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You fall into the monkey exhibit at the zoo... and the zookeepers don't notice.
Realized
You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their car. For example, if it's lost and denying help, it's a man.
Fact
You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their car. For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
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