Tips for success
Ask homeless people for directions, they know the streets best!
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your mother-in-law is starting to realize you've been ignoring her friend requests.
Realized
Dogs look just as funny before they sneeze as humans do.
Tips for success
To protect the rest of the population, take a bite out of every fruit and vegetable at the supermarket to ensure they are not poisoned. The managers will be so impressed by your bravery, they will arrange an honorary police escort to take you home.
Definition
Spider (noun) - Nature's way of telling you that you're a little girl.
To do list
Put on a long white dress. Hitchhike. When picked up, drive for five minutes. Then say, "Be careful up this turn here, this is where I died..."
Signs that things aren't going so well
You have a hook for a hand, a ticking crocodile is following you, and you've dedicated your life to fighting a little boy who wears green tights.
Fact
A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
Tips for success
Tell a woman how much more beautiful she is when she's cooking or cleaning.
Tips for success
Randomly walk across a street with lots of traffic. Cars will honk at you out of admiration for your bravery.
To do list
Hear a noise in the house while home alone. Mentally figure out how to use every object in the room as a weapon.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your doppelganger is Rosie O'Donnell.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Autotune isn't making your singing better.
To do list
Start an animal rights foundation that protests Angry Birds.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You say you need a drink, and everyone automatically assumes you're referring to alcohol.
Tips for success
Wearing your contacts and glasses at the same time will give you x-ray vision.
Tips for success
If a school bus stops in front of you and puts out its arm, it is signaling for you to pass it. Pass as quickly as possible so you don't waste the driver's time.
Definition
Retired (adjective) - What adults want to be when they grow up.
Fact
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Fact
Women will use their bras as a pocket more then they will use a pocket as a pocket.
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