Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Tips for success
When doing a class presentation speak with a heavy accent. If they don't understand what you are saying, they won't ask questions.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your fiancee weighs 115 lbs, her mother weighs 325 lbs.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The PH level in your pool is a lot of P and not that much H.
Definition
Urban Outfitters - (proper noun) A place where hipsters spend a lot of money on clothes to make it look like they don't spend a lot of money on clothes.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your stalker lost interest.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You show to a party and Lady Gaga is wearing the same outfit as you.
Tips for success
If you run into your ex, put it in reverse and hit them again to make sure they're dead.
Tips for success
Put the "fun" in funeral with a few well placed jokes about the deceased. People will appreciate your humor.
Definition
BFF (noun) - Free therapist.
Fact
Killing an unborn human is called an abortion. Killing an unborn chicken is called an omelet.
Definition
Plagiarism (noun) - Getting in trouble for something you didn't do.
Tips for success
If you cut yourself on your neck, the cuts will act like gills and you will be able to breathe underwater.
Fact
It's not the destination that's important, it's the Journey song that plays over your travel montage.
To do list
Glue rug to my feet. Go skydiving. Pretend I am Aladdin.
Tips for success
When you think everyone but you is crazy, take a moment to reevaluate.
Fact
No matter where you are or what time it is, you will always cringe when you hear the sound of an alarm clock.
Tips for success
Write the alphabet backwards on your steering wheel.
Tips for success
Don't talk about your mother-in-law at a family gathering when she's standing behind you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your girlfriend gets more action than you do.
Realized
If you talked behind someone's back, they would still be able to hear you.