Tips for success
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, therefore eating gallons and gallons of ice cream will make you stronger.
Realized
Teachers call it, "going to the bathroom," students call it, "this is boring, I'm leaving..."
Fact
If you're having a great day at school, you have obviously forgotten a homework assignment.
Realized
"My printer broke" is the new "my dog ate my homework."
Fact
A British narrator can make any documentary awesome.
Fact
No matter where you go, there will be at least one person that makes you want to punch them in the face.
Fact
The intensity of your need to pee will always be inversely proportionate to how easy it is to get your belt off.
Tips for success
When getting a haircut, continue nodding your head in approval the entire time, so that your hair-stylist knows you like the work that they've done.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You finally fit back into your fat jeans.
Tips for success
A watched pot never boils... Always leave the stove unattended after turning it on, in order to ensure that your food will actually cook.
To do list
Learn to be patient faster.
Definition
Year (noun) - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
To do list
Become an old man. Wear Speedo. Go to beach.
Fact
Raccoons grow up to be hats.
Definition
Terror (adjective) - The millisecond that you lean your chair back a little too far.
Definition
Family vacation (noun) - A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together.
Realized
Wednesdays in which there is no rainfall are dry hump days.
Tips for success
Every breath you take is one step closer to death. Simply stop breathing.
To do list
Close browser window. Get a life.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your dog is the only one that kisses you.
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