Definition
Mother (noun) - The only woman that will never make a jerk like you a sandwich.
Definition
Awkward (adjective) - Trying to get something out of your left pocket with your right hand.
Definition
Based on the bestselling novel (phrase) - If you read the book you will probably hate the movie, but we know you're going to watch it anyway.
Fact
A newspaper is 10 times more interesting when someone across the table is reading it.
Fact
Life has never given anyone lemons.
Fact
If you tell a girl something, you might as well scream it through a megaphone. It's faster that way.
Definition
Awkward (adjective) - That moment when you realize no one's listening, so you slowly stop talking.
Tips for success
Each time your partner calls out your name during sex, respond with "Yes, what do you want?"
Definition
Lol (abbreviation) - I have nothing else to say.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're on a hike to the top of a mountain with your dad. Your dad's name is Abraham.
Tips for success
When someone gives you a compliment, tell them you knew already. They will be impressed with your vast knowledge.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The only compliments you get are from Dove chocolate wrappers.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You rationalize that Snickers are good for you because they have peanuts in them.
Tips for success
When updating your resume, use "txt spk" to show future employers that you can keep up with modern trends.
Definition
You didn't know that? (phrase) - A socially acceptable way of calling someone an idiot.
Tips for success
Rip off your shirt. Act like a wolf. Girls love it.
Fact
Calling a teacher "Mom" will end with awkward silence.
Realized
Girls want a lot of things from one guy, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
Realized
Somewhere in the world, there is always a sunset.
To do list
Become a teacher. Dress up as Gandalf. Tell students, "you shall not pass!"
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