Tips for success
To avoid Easter with your family this year, try to beat your personal record at driving with your eyes closed on the way over.
Tips for success
When on a first date, try and guess her weight. Start high.
Definition
Diet (noun) - A restricted intake of calories resulting in a loss of weight and your will to live.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your ex-boyfriend on vacation in France sends you a postcard that says "Wish you were her." It wasn't a typo...
Definition
Sweet revenge (noun) - When you eat your siblings' Halloween candy.
Fact
Your cat will never be as cute as the cats you see online.
Tips for success
If your laptop starts to overheat from working too hard, pour a refreshing glass of ice water on it to cool it down and give it a well deserved break.
Fact
Alcohol (noun) - The cause and solution to all of the world's problems.
Fact
A pessimist is always alone. An optimist is always two people away from a threesome.
Definition
Pronoun (noun) - A noun that has lost its amateur status.
Tips for success
When in doubt, ask the voices inside your head.
Tips for success
While being mugged, shout "Swiper no swiping!"
Signs that things aren't going so well
There is urine on the carpet. You can't tell if it's yours or the dog's.
Tips for success
When on a first date, always bring a list of your past relationships, and what you liked and disliked about them. This way your future partner will know what to work on.
Fact
When your favorite song comes on the radio, your mom suddenly has something to talk to you about.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You frequently mix up your spanish vocabulary with Harry Potter spells.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your psychologist now has to see a psychologist.
To do list
Attend Bruno Mars Concert. Bring grenade.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your idea of making friends involves going to Build-a-Bear.
Fact
All relief you get from letting out a fart completely disappears when you realize it was more than a fart.
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