You found a penny on the ground and picked it up excitedly. You actually needed the penny.
Tips for success
For Mother's Day get your mom nothing... after all, less is more.
Tips for success
Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You have to work three jobs to support your cats.
Realized
Today I broke my record for days of not dying. I plan to break it again tomorrow.
Fact
Friends are like snowflakes, if you pee on them they disappear.
Tips for success
Flossing is simply a suggestion and should be treated as such.
Tips for success
Shave with a dull razor, it's less likely to cut you.
Definition
Love (noun) - Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
Realized
Toilet paper sales went down when push-up bras came out.
Definition
Awkward (adjective) - That moment when you don't know which gender someone is.
Definition
Technically (noun) - When you are not sure but you don't want to sound stupid.
Signs that things aren't going so well
A hipster is interested in dating you, only because you're not cool.
Fact
Killing an unborn human is called an abortion. Killing an unborn chicken is called an omelet.
Tips for success
Tell the person you're flirting with that you're currently married. Everyone wants what they can't have.
To do list
Go to library to write essay. Wake up three hours later.
Definition
Dingo (noun) - Angry dog that steals babies.
Realized
If you insult yourself, you're being self-depreciating. If another person agrees with you, they are a jerk.
Signs that things aren't going so well
When you close your eyes you see falling Tetris bricks.
Tips for success
Facts
Signs that things aren't going so well
Realized
To do list
Definitions
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