Realized
Tina Fey would make a better president than Sarah Palin.
Fact
If you make an impressive shot while playing basketball, no one will be watching.
Realized
No matter how hard you try to emphasize your sarcasm, someone will always take you seriously.
Definition
Friends (noun) - God’s way of apologizing for our families.
Fact
To rip off one person is stealing, to rip off many is investment banking.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your cab driver has a Ph.D. from the same university you are currently attending.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Febreze (noun) - Washing machine.
Definition
NAP (acronym) - National Association of Procrastinators.
Tips for success
Never study for tests. It shows a lack of confidence in yourself and confidence is key during test taking.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your armpit hair has split ends.
Fact
By the time your parents are brave enough to give you the talk, you will already know everything there is to know about sex.
Tips for success
You're body will form to whatever you are wearing. To look thinner, wear clothes that are several sizes too small.
Tips for success
If checking the fridge for a desired food, check back again in two minutes. The food you want will have magically appeared.
Signs that things aren't going so well
A cabbie offers you tips on hygiene.
Fact
Whenever you do something right no one remembers. Whenever you do something wrong no one forgets.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You choose a high school based on its excellent day care facilities.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You got married and still have all the same relatives.
Definition
Oh, you shouldn't have! (phrase) - I don't have a gift for you. Now I feel bad.
Definition
Gum (noun) - A form of currency in high school.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your milkshakes don't bring anyone to the yard.
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