Signs that things aren't going so well
A stranger lured you into a white windowless van. He doesn't really have candy.
To do list
Buy a bird. Name it "Early."
Signs that things aren't going so well
It's Christmas... you're Jewish.
Tips for success
To save money on food, clothing, and electricity, get sent to prison.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You get winded walking down the stairs.
Definition
Procrastination (noun) - The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Fact
A duck's opinion of you is largely influenced on whether or not you have bread.
Definition
The Game (noun) - Something you just lost.
Tips for success
Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You lost your voice, you can't walk, you don't know how to use a fork, and a fat octopus attempts to drown your true love.
Tips for success
It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, just as long as you drink it through a crazy straw.
Definition
Let me be frank (phrase) - Let me be openly mean to you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your surgeon is a strong believer in the 5 second rule.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your mirror just told you your step daughter is prettier than you.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your 'Summer Time' album on Facebook is just pictures of you.
Fact
No matter how much food is in your house, there is nothing good to eat.
Tips for success
Never follow an overweight middle-aged woman into the bathroom.
Tips for success
Always grunt and make loud noises while in the bathroom, it will let others know that the toilet is already in use.
Tips for success
Save money on condoms by washing them after each use.
Definition
Math (acronym) - Mental Abuse to Humans.
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