Realized
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you gators, you should make gatorade.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You've checked yourself into a pysch ward as a way to meet new people.
To do list
Put on a long white dress. Hitchhike. When picked up, drive for five minutes. Then say, "Be careful up this turn here, this is where I died..."
Tips for success
Save your breath, you are going to need it to inflate your valentine.
Fact
More people would rather go to Hogwarts than Harvard.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You made out with your large siberian husky because he reminded you of Jacob Black.
Definition
Hope (noun) - The first step towards disappointment.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You can't fit into your mothers clothing anymore.
Definition
Irony (adjective) - The opposite of wrinkly.
Realized
Bald people never have bad hair days.
Definition
Heaven (noun) - A plate of warm chocolate chip cookies AND a new tub of cookie dough.
Tips for success
When asked "Why should we hire you?" in a job interview, reply with "I'm a vampire and can work with 200% efficiency." You're sure to get the job.
Definition
Ice cream truck (noun) - Something worth running after.
Tips for success
There's no sense in being pessimistic... it wouldn't work anyway.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your toothbrush tastes oddly like toliet bowl cleaner.
Realized
Twister the movie was nothing like Twister the game.
Fact
Even if you swear it's there, a fruit fly will always make others question your sanity.
Fact
Studies have shown that people will believe anything you say if you preface it with "Studies have shown..."
Fact
The slowness of the car in front of you is directly proportional to how late you are.
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