Tips for success
Tell your girlfriend that she, "belongs in the kitchen." She will be flattered and appreciate how much you enjoy her cooking.
Fact
Your alarm clock will always go off when your dream is about to get really good.
Tips for success
When your mother asks you to do something, do it really badly so she won't ask you again.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You just noticed a tiny set of quotation marks around the word "college" on your school's letterhead.
Realized
What if oxygen makes your voice lower, and helium just makes it normal again?
Realized
Allstate is not available in all states.
Fact
You will always clip your fingernails on the day you need them the most.
Definition
Gum (noun) - Popularity in the form of a stick.
Realized
The higher you are in math, the less you have to use it in real life.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You kiss yourself goodnight in the mirror.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You're waiting for a train. You don't know where this train will take you.
Fact
Sharks are more afraid of you than you are of them.
Realized
Hipstamatic is autotune for photos.
Tips for success
Stop exhaling, it will save the planet from carbon emissions.
Tips for success
If your girlfriend wants you to be more spontaneous, break up with her at a random time and say "Surprise!"
Signs that things aren't going so well
You step out into the sun and you begin to sparkle.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You just left the house. You forgot to delete your internet history.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your dentist cringes when you open your mouth.
To do list
Buy a pillow. Name it kindness. Smother my foes with kindness.
Definition
Jeans (noun) - A substitute for napkins.
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