Definition
Printer (noun) - Something that won't work, especially when you really need it to.
Tips for success
If a huge boulder is about to fall on your head pull out a piece of paper. Paper beats rock.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You just agreed to meet your new friend from the internet at the park. His name is Ray Pest.
Definition
Duct tape (noun) - The idiot's solution to everything.
Tips for success
Exercise in the nude. You'll have less laundry to do, saving both time and money.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You broke up with your boyfriend, you've gotten fat, you're starting to have really bad stomach pains, and you haven't seen your Aunt Flo for nine months.
Fact
In the time it takes you to read this sentence, Bill Gates will have saved enough money to buy a new sports car.
To do list
Put on a long white dress. Hitchhike. When picked up, drive for five minutes. Then say, "Be careful up this turn here, this is where I died..."
Realized
It's Levi-O-sa. Not Levio-SA.
Realized
When you no longer run into all your friends at the mall, but run into them at the grocery store, you are officially an adult.
Definition
I'm an adult (phrase) - What a grown person says when they're acting like a child.
Definition
Pulp Fiction (noun) - A movie about orange juice and the lies that it tells.
Definition
I'm happy for you (phrase) - I hope you have ugly children, get fat and go bald.
Realized
Disney Movies have taught me to hate my parents and depend on boys to kiss me and save me from harm.
Signs that things aren't going so well
U tlk lyk dis.
To do list
Buy an axe. Yell "random axe of kindness" and throw it at someone.
Fact
Everything is 10 times more annoying if you hate the person doing it.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You've been asked to be the "before" part of a weight loss commercial.
Tips for success
When on a first date, always bring a list of your past relationships, and what you liked and disliked about them. This way your future partner will know what to work on.
Fact
It is impossible to look sexy while eating spaghetti.
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