Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
To do list
Get bitten by a radioactive spider.
Tips for success
Be the first to jump off a bridge to eliminate any chances of following a friend.
Realized
If I am what I eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
Tips for success
If you dislike your village, go live in the jungle. You'll find singing bears and friendly panthers who will feed you.
Fact
A five ounce migratory swallow cannot carry a one pound coconut.
Definition
You had to be there (phrase) - What people add to the end of stories they thought were funny when no one laughs.
Fact
If you are reading this, you are either a human or the world's smartest panda bear.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You have red hair.
Definition
Awkward (adjective) - When you de-friend somebody on Facebook and they friend request you again.
Realized
Saying "I just hit that" while pointing to a woman makes you sound like a pimp no matter how people interpret it.
To do list
Put sign on door that reads "Dumble."
Tips for success
Announce in a empty room, "I know you're listening." Either you just talked to yourself in an empty room or you just freaked out some special organization.
Tips for success
Never follow an overweight middle-aged woman into the bathroom.
Definition
Growing up (verb) - When you realize that the rest of the world doesn't care about your problems.
Fact
You will always run out of ketchup before you finish eating your fries.
To do list
Brag about white supremacy. Go tanning.
To do list
Find fat lady. Ask her to sing.
Realized
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Definition
Midnight (noun) - When everything in the fridge looks much more appetizing than it did five hours ago.
To do list
Buy a bird. Name it "Early."