To do list
Go trick-or-treating on April fool's day.
Tips for success
If you don't feel like going to the doctor, it's ok to call in sick. They'll understand, and will be happy to reschedule your appointment.
Definition
Fake texting (verb) - A way to avoid socially awkward situations.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your co-workers stop asking how you're doing and start asking about your cats instead.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You can't understand the voices in your head because they speak Spanish.
Fact
Chuck Norris's patronus is Chuck Norris.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your best pick up line is, "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
Realized
John Lennon was killed by a fan... where are Justin Bieber's true fans?
Realized
There is a seafood restaurant at Sea World.
Tips for success
You only have to lift the toilet seat if you have terrible aim.
Tips for success
Look both ways before you cross the street. For all you know there could be someone giving out free candy in the middle of the street.
To do list
Go to bookstore. Cut out Waldo in the Where's Waldo books.
Fact
5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You have two girlfriends. Their names are right-hand and left-hand.
Fact
The Spongebob macoroni and cheese will always taste better.
Realized
Whoever coined the phrase "quiet as a mouse" clearly has never stepped on one.
Tips for success
When on a first date, try and guess her weight. Start high.
Tips for success
When on a date with a girl, tell her you're a misogynist. Girls like guys with great massaging skills.
Realized
It took tens of thousands of years for humans to go from wearing no clothes to covering almost every inch of their bodies. It's taken about 200 years to reverse the process.
To do list
Go to the beach. Bury metal objects that say "get a life" on them.
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