Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Realized
A duck playing a keyboard + a beaver playing a guitar = a platypus playing the keytar.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your boyfriend's jeans are tighter than yours.
Tips for success
Always answer your cell phone at the movie theater. It shows the other guests that you are popular and well-liked and in turn, they will like you.
To do list
Walk into an elevator full of strangers and say "I bet you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today..."
Definition
Yahoo (proper noun) - The ugly cousin-in-law of Google that you use to hook up with in high school, but are now too ashamed to admit that you even know her.
Tips for success
Go trick-or-treating the day after Halloween. When asked what your costume is, tell them you're dressed as a procrastinator.
To do list
Dress up as Waldo on picture day. Turn your yearbook into your own personal Where's Waldo book.
Fact
The only math anyone actually uses outside of school was learned by the fifth grade.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The name of your expensive, foreign, bottled water is "naive" spelled backwards.
Realized
Google must be a woman... It knows everything.
Signs that things aren't going so well
Your girlfriend just introduced you as a friend.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You won the war, your gift is a big horse.
Signs that things aren't going so well
A costumer just asked for a refund. You're a hooker.
Definition
Disappointment (noun) - Putting chocolate chip cookie dough in your mouth and discovering that it's actually oatmeal raisin.
Realized
If you move the letters around in "Spandex" you get "Expands."
Signs that things aren't going so well
You are woken up by kisses... from your dog.
To do list
Steal donut truck. Be amused while cops chase after donut truck.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You hear a mysterious ticking noise.
To do list
Bring a sprinkler inside a strip club. Literally make it rain.
Fact
Hamsters are a lot like cotton. They're both comfy, and they both taste bad.