Definition
No pun intended (phrase) - I made a lame pun and want to point it out to you.
To do list
Date a cross-eyed girl. Dump her because she was seeing someone else.
Definition
I got a new phone and lost all my numbers (phrase) - I deleted your number because I hate you.
Tips for success
Put the "fun" in funeral with a few well placed jokes about the deceased. People will appreciate your humor.
Tips for success
Snack on tin foil. It's a good source of iron.
Tips for success
When your chemistry teacher tells you to never mix chlorine with ammonia he is trying to stop you from discovering the way to make gold. Mix them in chem lab to become rich.
Fact
We are all time traveling into the future at normal speed.
Signs that things aren't going so well
You clean your house before your maid comes over, so she won't think you're a slob.
Tips for success
Pee on your girlfriend's leg. She will be flattered that you consider her to be part of your territory.
Signs that things aren't going so well
The awkward moment when your bro actually tells a cool story.
Fact
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
Definition
Birthday (noun) - The one day per year that people you never talk to on Facebook post on your wall.
Fact
Family vacations would be much more fun with out the family.
Tips for success
A pillow held firmly to your partner's face is an excellent cure for snoring.
Definition
K£sha (proper noun) - The British and therefore cooler version of Ke$ha.
Tips for success
To save time, always assume the sliding glass door is open when running.
Fact
You spend to much time on the computer when you type "com" after a period.com
Tips for success
Practice your dial-up modem noises in public.
Fact
The second bowl of cereal with the same milk is never as good as the first.
Fact
Pinatas are victims of child abuse.
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