Realized
Computers are just like air conditioners, they stop working when you open Windows.
Realized
Math problems are the only time two trains can be speeding towards each other, and no one is concerned.
Realized
Donuts are to bagels as cupcakes are to muffins.
Realized
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
Realized
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is, "What is never the answer?"
Realized
Scotch tape doesn't taste anything like whisky.
Realized
The washing machine has a "Hand Wash" button.
Realized
Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns… All of a woman’s problems begin with men.
Realized
Your face is an oxy-moron. It's "pretty ugly."
Realized
Bikinis are the socially acceptable form of wearing underwear in public.
Realized
They say you are what you eat... but I don't recall eating a sexy beast today.
Realized
Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. Foursquare asks me where I am. Conclusion, the Internet is my girlfriend.
Realized
Chocolate makes you fat, but it also releases endorphins. Therefore eating large amounts of chocolate makes you happy about being fat.
Realized
Nothing will scare you more than 8 missed calls from your mom.
Realized
I could never tell a Casey Anthony joke. If I did, my mom would kill me!
Realized
Whenever someone says "long story short", they usually end up telling you the long story.
Realized
Moby Dick was a sperm whale.
Realized
No matter how fast you run at them, automatic sliding doors will always open in time before you get to them. Go ahead, try it.
Realized
Cannibals love finger food.
Realized
Today is the oldest you've been and the youngest you'll ever be again.
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