Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Realized
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Realized
You know that counting sheep isn't working when you start imagining detailed back-stories for each of them.
Realized
A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
Realized
No one's as ugly as their license picture, nor as good-looking as their Facebook profile picture.
Realized
I've heard "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston more in the last week on TV than I ever had before.
Realized
Sometimes the rubber cement is better than the gift card.
Realized
Humans are made of 78% water. Walk on human, become 78% Jesus.
Realized
Peeing in the bath is not the same as peeing in the shower.
Realized
The chief export of Mexico is Mexicans.
Realized
We are aliens to aliens.
Realized
An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.
Realized
Only ugly people talk about inner beauty.
Realized
Opinions are like butts. Everyone has one and some are better than others.
Realized
Money can't buy happiness, but have you ever seen a homeless person skipping down the street?
Realized
State Farm does not insure farms.
Realized
Vegans would make terrible zombies. They would walk around saying, "GRAAAAINS."
Realized
It must really annoy hipsters to know that they are all the same.
Realized
Duck, duck, goose is the only game where you can hit people on the head and run away laughing.
Realized
Google must be a woman... It knows everything.
Realized
Imagining people in their underwear only works until you realize that your parents are in the audience.