Realized
I do have superpowers, it's just, my weakness is oxygen.
Realized
TVs used to be fat and people were skinny. Now, TVs are skinny and people are fat.
Realized
Santa Claus is a hairy fat guy who breaks into the houses of little children in the middle of the night.
Realized
What happens in Vegas ends up on Facebook.
Realized
Imagining people in their underwear only works until you realize that your parents are in the audience.
Realized
My American flag was made in China.
Realized
Wishing your pet could talk is fun until you realize all the things you've done in front of it.
Realized
People say pigs can't fly, but swine flu?
Realized
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Realized
Sometimes the rubber cement is better than the gift card.
Realized
The "&" symbol looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.
Realized
Dust bunnies are not a species of rabbit.
Realized
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Realized
Leeches are vampire slugs.
Realized
Angry Birds teaches people that if somebody steals from you, it's ok to kill them to take back what is yours.
Realized
The words "verb" and "adjective" are nouns.
Realized
If today was really opposite day, we would all be dead.
Realized
The grass on the other side is probably AstroTurf.
Realized
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Realized
Apple Cinnamon air fresheners don't taste as good as they smell.