Billy Joel is very certain that he didn't start the fire.
Realized
Opposites attract, that's why it sucks to be this hot.
Realized
Dead people who believe in re-incarnation should have "BRB" written on their tombstones.
Realized
If "guns don't kill people, people kill people", then toasters don't toast toast, but toast toasts toast.
Realized
If you talked behind someone's back, they would still be able to hear you.
Realized
When I tell my grandkids there used to be a ninth planet, they won't believe me.
Realized
I spend all day dreaming about sleep and all night dreaming I'm awake.
Realized
The save button on Microsoft Office is still a floppy disk.
Realized
Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns… All of a woman’s problems begin with men.
Realized
There are four stages in life: You believe in Santa Claus. You don't believe in Santa Claus. You are Santa Claus. You look like Santa Claus.
Realized
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems make sense, banana monkey glue.
Realized
A broken mirror is 7 years of bad luck, a broken condom is 18.
Realized
The media has elongated Anthony Weiner's predicament.
Realized
Every car on the side of the road at night looks like a cop car.
Realized
The less I sleep, the more I'm tired. The more I sleep, the more I'm tired.
Realized
Spongebob lives in Bikini Bottom. He is absorbent. Spongebob is a tampon.
Realized
If it's clever, someone has already said it.
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Signs that things aren't going so well
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