Tips for success
Whenever someone says, "I love you," reply with "I understand." They will be happy to know that they got the message across.
Tips for success
Every breath you take is one step closer to death. Simply stop breathing.
Tips for success
Don't wear a bra, it's just a waste of time and energy.
Tips for success
Create a "Where's Waldo?" book. Don't put Waldo in it.
Tips for success
Instead of asking people to pass you food, just reach over the table. Your friends and family will appreciate that you're trying to save them the trouble.
Tips for success
Sleep upside down. The more blood in your brain, the smarter you will be in the morning.
Tips for success
Texting while driving is dangerous. Be sure to practice constantly to improve your abilities.
Tips for success
When waterskiing, give your driver a thumbs up so he knows you like the speed he is pulling you at.
Tips for success
If you see a lady on the train or bus without a seat, be a gentleman and offer her your lap.
Tips for success
Start a charitable foundation with a name like "Feed the Starving Africans," and watch your next trip to Cabo pay for itself in no time.
Tips for success
When pulled over by a policeman, always ask what the problem is, and whether or not it can be solved over a box of donuts.
Tips for success
Dropping garbage on the ground shows that you value the janitor's job. Do your part to help the economy grow by littering today.
Tips for success
When a friend calls themselves ugly, agreeing with them will show them that you value their opinion.
Tips for success
To attain a deeper level of understanding of your girlfriend, go through her purse regularly.
Tips for success
Tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling, it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
Tips for success
When anticipating company, always make your house very messy. It will make you seem busy and thus more important.
Tips for success
Buy smaller clothes, you'll look skinnier.
Tips for success
Doodling looks a lot like taking notes.
Tips for success
Use your curling iron in the shower to avoid burns.
Tips for success
Bring a wheelchair to Disneyland.