Tips for success
When someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, respond with "I love U2."
Tips for success
Look for reasons to be angry with your spouse. This will show them that you're paying attention.
Tips for success
When called by an unlisted number, answer the phone with a heavy foreign accent and seem confused.
Tips for success
Make her pay for dinner on the first date. This will ensure a second date because you now owe her money.
Tips for success
Don't shower before going on a date. This way, the other person can sense your pheromones.
Tips for success
Always bring a gun to the bank. There could be a robbery.
Tips for success
Tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling, it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
Tips for success
Don't take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Tips for success
Whenever you approach a fork in the road, pick it up. Littering is a felony.
Tips for success
America was built on rebellion. Every time your parents tell you to do something, rebel against them. They will be pleased that you appreciate where your liberty came from.
Tips for success
Ask your wife if it can really be considered "labor" if she's the one laying down the entire time. She will be impressed by your observational humor, and remember why it is that she loves you.
Tips for success
Make sure to leave all your windows and doors open when you have the air conditioner on. It will help cool down the earth and slow global warming.
Tips for success
Stop turning in your homework, teachers need breaks too.
Tips for success
Go trick-or-treating the day after Halloween. When asked what your costume is, tell them you're dressed as a procrastinator.
Tips for success
Whenever you are unhappy with your father, watch Star Wars and remember that it could be worse.
Tips for success
When in the locker room, always comment on how big the other men's genitals are. They will be flattered by the praise.
Tips for success
If you dislike your village, go live in the jungle. You'll find singing bears and friendly panthers who will feed you.
Tips for success
Cut down lots of trees to make room for eco-friendly houses. The environment will thank you.
Tips for success
Create an alter-ego on Facebook to comment on all of your statuses and write on your wall. It will make you seem cool and not desperate at all.
Tips for success
To ensure that your crush will notice you, pee on them to mark your territory.
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