Tips for success
When life gives you lemons, use them to squirt lemon juice in the eyes of your enemies.
Tips for success
Butcher the National Anthem at the Super Bowl and sound terrible while doing it.
Tips for success
Keep your blinkers on at all times just in case you should decide to turn at some point. You can never be too prepared.
Tips for success
Take revenge; crap on a pigeon.
Tips for success
If you are friends with your child on Facebook, make sure to like all of their statuses and pictures to reassure your love for them.
Tips for success
If you can't get it with cleavage, it's not worth your time.
Tips for success
If your girlfriend is getting mad at you, tell her it's okay because you know she's PMSing. She will be happy that you understand what girls go through.
Tips for success
Do whatever your Rice Krispies tell you to do.
Tips for success
Whenever you're with a group of friends, always take the last piece of cake. They will appreciate you caring about their health.
Tips for success
When playing pool, try to get the 8 ball in before any other balls. It's bonus points.
Tips for success
When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade.
Tips for success
Make your dying words, "Respawning in 3...2...1..."
Tips for success
To cook food faster in the microwave be sure to wrap it in tin foil.
Tips for success
Good things come to those who wait. So never do anything.
Tips for success
When meeting a midget for the first time, it's considered proper etiquette to tussle their hair. In more formal settings, "I got your nose!" is more appropriate.
Tips for success
There will always be one person better than you at everything. Find this person and kill them before anyone figures it out.
Tips for success
If she asks, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She probably means her hair. Do not guess your way up starting with "New socks?"
Tips for success
Eat lots of junk food. It makes your heart work harder and thus gives it more exercise.
Tips for success
To ensure the surprise birthday party you planned for your girlfriend is really a surprise, ignore her on her actual birthday, and throw the party two months later.
Tips for success
Before exhausting yourself trying to open a bottle, make sure you are twisting in the right direction.
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