Tips for success
When you can't be nice, be vague.
Tips for success
If you love someone cripple them so they can't escape.
Tips for success
When confronted with a dangerous beast, such as a mountain lion, try throwing children into it's path to avoid attack.
Tips for success
Occasionally drop "no pun intended" into a conversation when there really is no pun, just enjoy the confused look on everyones faces... no pun intended.
Tips for success
To teach your nosy neighbors a lesson, name your WIFI network, "send help, held hostage."
Tips for success
Important things are boring. While in class yell out "BORING!!!" Your teacher will appreciate that you think school is so important.
Tips for success
If, for example, your arm hurts, punch yourself in the leg to take your mind off the original pain. Continue hitting yourself in this manner until all pain subsides.
Tips for success
To make sure no boys will ever write poems about your daughter, name her Orange.
Tips for success
Alcohol kills germs. Drink plenty to keep your insides clean.
Tips for success
Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect it back.
Tips for success
If your glass is always half empty, buy smaller glasses.
Tips for success
If a girl doesn't seem interested in you, you're not wearing enough Axe.
Tips for success
When finally killing the serial-killer that's been chasing you for days, don't check to see that he's really dead. Instead, sit down and take a rest.
Tips for success
Stick your foot in your mouth, it will make you seem flexible.
Tips for success
Remember, when you're trying to lose weight, it's the thought that counts.
Tips for success
Wear the most dirty and disgusting clothes that you own to scholarship interviews to make sure they see how much you need the money.
Tips for success
If you ever get lost somewhere scary, commit a crime. The police will be sure to escort you directly to your safe home.
Tips for success
Walk down alley ways on dark nights to reduce your risk of being hit by a car.
Tips for success
Water constitutes 70% of body weight. Stop drinking water to lose weight.
Tips for success
Don't replace the toilet paper roll when you finish it. I will teach the person after you to always think ahead.
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