Tips for success
When looking for your kidnapped girlfriend, always start with the closest castle and go on from there. She couldn't possibly be in the giant, intricate, heavily-guarded castle that's home to the very person you know took her.
Tips for success
You like someone for their good qualities and love them for their foibles. Have as many foibles as possible so people love you more.
Tips for success
When a friend of yours tells you a secret, and says to "Not tell a soul!" It is technically safe to tell all of your ginger friends.
Tips for success
Don't be in the room when your wife is in labor, it's considered poor etiquette.
Tips for success
If your roommate talks in her sleep, be sure to cover her face with a pillow so that she won't wake herself up.
Tips for success
Don't think of it as kidnapping, think of it as surprise adoption.
Tips for success
If someone you like tells you you're beautiful, tell them they are ugly. Opposites attract.
Tips for success
Honesty is the best policy... if it's likely someone is going to find out you're lying.
Tips for success
When in doubt, ask the voices inside your head.
Tips for success
When crying in order to get something, or to get out of something, make sure you aren't wearing waterproof mascara.
Tips for success
If you don't want to go home drunk, drive around until you sober up.
Tips for success
It takes over 40 muscles to frown at someone in disappointment, and only 4 muscles to reach out and slap them. Do the math.
Tips for success
Whilst doing your driving test, drive with no hands. It shows the instructor you are confident.
Tips for success
Post lots of pictures of yourself partying it up on your Facebook profile. This will show potential employers your sense of fun, and that you know how to have a good time.
Tips for success
If you're getting a lot of mosquito bites, try injecting poison into your bloodstream so the mosquitoes die upon biting you.
Tips for success
If someone can't take you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best. Be on your worst behavior on first dates to weed out the applicants.
Tips for success
When choosing your next kidnapping victim, be sure to stay away from gingers. Nobody wants them back.
Tips for success
To strengthen your relationship with your daughter, try bringing up her period at the dinner table.
Tips for success
When driving, speed up and hit jay-walkers. The police will appreciate that you stopped the law violators for them.
Tips for success
When you go on a job interview, make sure to wear the competitor's brand. This shows that you are familiar with the industry.
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