Tips for success
Hit every limousine that you can with your vehicle. It will increase your chances of meeting someone famous.
Tips for success
Take a bunch of pictures of yourself and like all your own statues to show people how much self-confidence you have.
Tips for success
Always look your best when getting arrested. You never know when Cops will be filming in your area.
Tips for success
If, for example, your arm hurts, punch yourself in the leg to take your mind off the original pain. Continue hitting yourself in this manner until all pain subsides.
Tips for success
Find Platform 9 3/4.
Tips for success
Before exhausting yourself trying to open a bottle, make sure you are twisting in the right direction.
Tips for success
When having a terrible day, say "I bet it will become worse" that way if it does, at least you can feel good that you were right about something.
Tips for success
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Date all of your best friend's exes.
Tips for success
Don't think of killing someone as murder; think of it as a delayed abortion.
Tips for success
Always put "For bomb equipment" at the bottom of your checks. Homeland Security will enjoy your sense of humor.
Tips for success
Never smile. It gives you wrinkles and is a sign of weakness.
Tips for success
If trapped on a deserted island, eat the skinniest person first, then use the fat one as a raft to float home.
Tips for success
When the little white packet says "DO NOT EAT!" it only means the wrapper.
Tips for success
Doodling looks a lot like taking notes.
Tips for success
Pour ample amounts of salt onto fresh wounds to prevent infection.
Tips for success
To clean your hairdryer, simply submerge it in the bathtub with you. Plug it in to speed up the process.
Tips for success
Celebrities have to deal with a lot of haters. Constantly shower your friends with negative comments to prepare them for when they get famous.
Tips for success
When depressed, remind yourself that you were the one that made it through the condom.
Tips for success
Be sure to constantly remind people of everything you have ever accomplished. They will feel honored to be in the presence of someone with so much success.
Tips for success
There will always be one person better than you at everything. Find this person and kill them before anyone figures it out.