Tips for success
If you are told that you are showing too much skin at work, cover your body in tattoos.
Tips for success
If a midget ever tells you, I'm not happy, ask them, then which one are you?
Tips for success
Never drink and drive. You might spill it going around a corner.
Tips for success
If your girlfriend tells you she's empty inside. Impregnate her. She will be full for 9 months.
Tips for success
Vote for Sarah Palin, the people counting ballots will appreciate your sense of humor.
Tips for success
Instead of giving your significant other flowers to watch die, send flowers to your enemy with a note that reads, "You're next!"
Tips for success
For no nonsense "rock hard" abs, drink liquid cement.
Tips for success
Money is considered a liability to banks. Steal some to relieve them of their burden.
Tips for success
Wear pants one size bigger than yours, it will make people think you lost weight.
Tips for success
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Tips for success
If an old guy offers you candy and a ride, always say yes. It's probably Willy Wonka.
Tips for success
Bring an expensive hooker on a first date with a girl. It will show her you have money.
Tips for success
To check if your neighbors have a good escape plan in case of a house fire, set their house on fire. They will thank you later.
Tips for success
Use a small child as a sled. It really doesn't matter if there is snow or not. Just find a hill.
Tips for success
Before you insult someone, always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you insult them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Tips for success
If you never try at anything, you will avoid the pain of failing.
Tips for success
Eat crayons, poop rainbows. Make sure not to flush.
Tips for success
If you don't feel like going to the doctor, it's ok to call in sick. They'll understand, and will be happy to reschedule your appointment.
Tips for success
Whenever your girlfriend is angry at you, ask her if it's PMS.
Tips for success
When waterskiing, give your driver a thumbs up so he knows you like the speed he is pulling you at.