Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Tips for success
When life gives you lemons, find somebody with a papercut.
Tips for success
Vote Sarah Palin for president in 2012. Everyone needs some laughs before the world ends.
Tips for success
When you see someone you've stalked on Facebook, ask them about the things that they have posted about on their Facebook. They will be amazed by your intellectual knowledge.
Tips for success
When finally killing the serial-killer that's been chasing you for days, don't check to see that he's really dead. Instead, sit down and take a rest.
Tips for success
After spilling a box of thumbtacks, walking around barefoot can help make sure you found them all.
Tips for success
When in the locker room, always comment on how big the other men's genitals are. They will be flattered by the praise.
Tips for success
Never text her back within the hour. It will create suspense; your relationship will blossom.
Tips for success
To avoid dealing with your period every month, simply get pregnant as often as possible.
Tips for success
Police have a lot of down-time. Call 911 frequently to keep them on their toes.
Tips for success
Never brush your teeth right before going to the dentist. This way he won't think you only brush when you have visits.
Tips for success
The next time you see a slug, give it a soothing salt bath. They will find it very relaxing.
Tips for success
Put a dollar sign somewhere in your name and start singing.
Tips for success
To save time on giving your child "the talk," just let them sift through your spam folder.
Tips for success
When on a date with a girl, tell her you're a misogynist. Girls like guys with great massaging skills.
Tips for success
To check if your neighbors have a good escape plan in case of a house fire, set their house on fire. They will thank you later.
Tips for success
If your girlfriend breaks up with you, she's only testing your loyalty. Follow her every move intently to show her how loyal you are.
Tips for success
Borrow money from pessimists, they won't expect it back.
Tips for success
Be sure to call out the wrong name during sex... It will make you seem well cultured, which women appreciate.
Tips for success
Stab everyone you know with a wooden stake to make sure they aren't vampires.
Tips for success
You can never have too many fanny packs.