Tips for success
When in doubt, ask the voices inside your head.
Tips for success
If someone wants to be just like Harry Potter, kill their parents and lock them in a cupboard under your stairs.
Tips for success
To attract females, bathe in Axe daily, girls love the pungent odor of puberty.
Tips for success
Look annoyed all the time, people will think you are busy and important.
Tips for success
When walking behind someone always breathe heavily so they know you are there.
Tips for success
Get a dog and name it "Sparta." Now whenever someone asks what your new dog's name is you can say, "THIS...IS...SPARTA!!!"
Tips for success
When a 30 page paper is hanging over your head make sure to wait until the last day to start working on it.
Tips for success
Give a man a fire, and warm him for a day. Light a man on fire, and warm him for the rest of his life.
Tips for success
When something says "Do Not Touch," it means don't touch the sign. You can touch whatever is near the sign though.
Tips for success
Trying is the first step toward failure. Don't try.
Tips for success
Try to eat enough carbohydrates over the holidays to destroy all memory of what may happen.
Tips for success
Instead of telling a girl to shut up, say that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
Tips for success
Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect it back.
Tips for success
There will always be one person better than you at everything. Find this person and kill them before anyone figures it out.
Tips for success
Keep all your private stuff in a folder with a weird name. No one's going to check "Dental Records 1996."
Tips for success
Don't study until the night before a big exam. This will ensure that all the information is fresh in your mind.
Tips for success
To insure that you hit the target, shoot first then call whatever you hit the target.
Tips for success
Always underachieve, that way people expect less of you and in turn you get to do less.
Tips for success
When choking, shove more food in your mouth to push the food that you're choking on down.
Tips for success
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
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