Tips for success
When you don't want to talk to someone on the phone anymore, hang up in the middle of your own sentence. They'll never suspect it.
Tips for success
When an elderly person complains to you, respond with the phrase "it's okay, it will all be over soon."
Tips for success
Stop turning in your homework, teachers need breaks too.
Tips for success
Whistle while you work. It will remind your boss of why you are such a pleasure to work with.
Tips for success
Go to Black Friday sale. Bring pepper spray.
Tips for success
Pour ipecac into a recovering bulimic's drink to remind them of the good old days.
Tips for success
When choosing your next kidnapping victim, be sure to stay away from gingers. Nobody wants them back.
Tips for success
Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect it back.
Tips for success
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Tips for success
Open a pack of gum in class, become the most popular kid in school for a few seconds.
Tips for success
If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling hot water down your throat.
Tips for success
Break up with someone via text. They will appreciate the fact that you did not want to see them cry.
Tips for success
Eat McDonald's for lunch and KFC for dinner. The calories will cancel each other out.
Tips for success
Bring an expensive hooker on a first date with a girl. It will show her you have money.
Tips for success
Never smile. It gives you wrinkles and is a sign of weakness.
Tips for success
Eat only cookies, pie, cake, and hamburgers. Tell people you are maintaining a well-rounded diet.
Tips for success
To ensure the surprise birthday party you planned for your girlfriend is really a surprise, ignore her on her actual birthday, and throw the party two months later.
Tips for success
When driving, go down the roads that say "DO NOT ENTER." It's a shortcut that someone doesn't want you to know about.
Tips for success
Become so fat that you create your own gravitational pull. Men will literally be unable to keep themselves away from you.
Tips for success
To freshen your breath, smoke mint cigarettes.
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