Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyDear Blank Please BlankAttack of the Cute
Tips for success
If you are friends with your child on Facebook, make sure to like all of their statuses and pictures to reassure your love for them.
Tips for success
To make sure you don't fall asleep studying, play loud music. Your parents will be proud of your determination.
Tips for success
If your teacher ever asks you whether you'd like to share what you and your friend were whispering, don't hesitate to let her know that you were just discussing the poor teaching methods she uses and how you'd all be better off without her. She'll appreciate your honesty and confidence.
Tips for success
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Tips for success
Don't think of killing someone as murder; think of it as a delayed abortion.
Tips for success
Help fight childhood obesity by stealing candy from babies.
Tips for success
If you ask a woman if she's pregnant, and it turns out she isn't, tell her that she's about to be. This will defuse the awkwardness of the situation.
Tips for success
To insure that you hit the target, shoot first then call whatever you hit the target.
Tips for success
When your fat friend calls herself fat, agree with her. She will appreciate your honesty.
Tips for success
If you are talentless and ugly, you will have success in the music industry.
Tips for success
Dump all the leftover scraps from your picnic into the ocean. The fish will appreciate the extra food and use the plastic wrap to build forts in the summer time.
Tips for success
Whenever your girlfriend is angry at you, ask her if it's PMS.
Tips for success
Wear your old wedding dress to wedding receptions. It's a shame to only wear it once.
Tips for success
Say "PEE-KAH" before sneezing.
Tips for success
When winter comes and everyone else is freezing, remember that increasing circulation by slapping people will make them warmer.
Tips for success
When a girl announces that she looks like crap, agree with her. Women love being told that they're right.
Tips for success
Make sure to clarify that your order is "to-go" when going through a fast food drive thru. The workers will appreciate the clarity.
Tips for success
Add as much salt as you can to your food. It's a natural preservative and will help you live longer.
Tips for success
When a telemarketer calls, tell them the person they're trying to reach has died.
Tips for success
On a first date, be sure to tell your date that you already got a hotel room for the night. She will be impressed by your ability to think ahead.