Tips for success
When getting married, always choose your fat, ugly friends for bridesmaids. You will boost their ego as well as yours. It's a win-win situation.
Tips for success
Go to the pharmacy. Get a box of condoms. Ask where the fitting room is.
Tips for success
When playing with grenades, be sure to stand near Bruno Mars.
Tips for success
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
Tips for success
After the third time you ask someone to repeat something and you still can't understand them, just nod your head and smile.
Tips for success
When waterskiing, give your driver a thumbs up so he knows you like the speed he is pulling you at.
Tips for success
Use the the leftover toothpaste in your mouth as shaving cream.
Tips for success
Never shower. Your natural pheremones will build up, and the ladies will be more attracted to you than ever.
Tips for success
Snort lines of pollen to help build immunity to allergies.
Tips for success
When something says "Do Not Touch," it means don't touch the sign. You can touch whatever is near the sign though.
Tips for success
Always underachieve, that way people expect less of you and in turn you get to do less.
Tips for success
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Tips for success
When you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.
Tips for success
When a girl announces that she looks like crap, agree with her. Women love being told that they're right.
Tips for success
If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up.
Tips for success
If you have to get a blood transfusion make sure to get tiger's blood.
Tips for success
If you feel that nobody cares if you're alive or dead, simply try missing a couple of bill payments.
Tips for success
Announce in a empty room, "I know you're listening." Either you just talked to yourself in an empty room or you just freaked out some special organization.
Tips for success
Eating jars of mayonnaise will "fill in" dents caused by cellulite.
Tips for success
If your friend ever gets a really bad sunburn, give them a solid pat on the back to let them know you're there for them. They'll appreciate the kind gesture.
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