Tips for success
Ask your wife if it can really be considered "labor" if she's the one laying down the entire time. She will be impressed by your observational humor, and remember why it is that she loves you.
Tips for success
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Tips for success
Never apologize, especially when you're wrong. It makes you seem confident.
Tips for success
If it ain't due today, it ain't worth doing.
Tips for success
To check if your neighbors have a good escape plan in case of a house fire, set their house on fire. They will thank you later.
Tips for success
Trying is the first step toward failure. Don't try.
Tips for success
Buy your girlfriend a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups. She will appreciate your concern for her health.
Tips for success
When dining alone, buy enough food for two and spread it around the table. It will look like you're waiting for a friend for at least half the meal.
Tips for success
Always wear trenchcoats to crowded playgrounds to protect your body from dangerous germs.
Tips for success
If your girlfriend wants you to be more spontaneous, break up with her at a random time and say "Surprise!"
Tips for success
Only befriend vegetarians. There is much less of a chance of them eating you during a zombie apocalypse.
Tips for success
When having an "I love you more" argument with your significant other, tell them they're right. They'll appreciate your agreeable nature.
Tips for success
When going on a date, always bring along a weird, creepy friend of yours. That way you'll seem really cool in comparison.
Tips for success
Girls like strong guys. Punch them in the face to show how strong you are.
Tips for success
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Tips for success
To really please your father, spell DAD on your next report card.
Tips for success
When flying, tell everyone on the plane that you don't have a bomb. This will help to put their minds at rest.
Tips for success
If trapped on a deserted island, eat the skinniest person first, then use the fat one as a raft to float home.
Tips for success
Going a constant speed while driving saves gas. Run stop signs and red lights to improve your mileage. Others will appreciate you for saving the environment.
Tips for success
When in doubt, mumble.
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