While standing in line for Santa at the mall, be sure to tell all the young kids that he's not real. They will appreciate your honesty.
Tips for success
Walking very closely to the wall and taking sharp turns around corners is a good way to make friends.
Tips for success
If you love someone cripple them so they can't escape.
Tips for success
To ensure the surprise birthday party you planned for your girlfriend is really a surprise, ignore her on her actual birthday, and throw the party two months later.
Tips for success
When you sneeze don't try to cover it up. The people around you will appreciate your effort to build their immune systems.
Tips for success
The next time someone asks you what you're eating, simply open your mouth and show them. People will appreciate the visual aid.
Tips for success
When you're depressed, just sing. You'll realize your voice is way worse than your problems.
Tips for success
Never take a laxative and a sleep aid on the same night... It won't end well.
Tips for success
If the back of your throat is itchy, use your finger to scratch it.
Tips for success
When your girlfriend is mad at you, make out with her best friend in a public place. This way she will realize how in demand you are and come crawling back.
Tips for success
When running for President, be sure to use the word "maverick," whenever possible.
Tips for success
To avoid sweating too much on hot days avoid drinking liquids.
Tips for success
To clean your hairdryer, simply submerge it in the bathtub with you. Plug it in to speed up the process.
Tips for success
Get married on February 29th, this way you only have to buy your wife flowers once every four years.
Tips for success
Whenever one of your friends starts reading a new book, tell them the ending. They will appreciate how much time you saved them.
Tips for success
For the sake of staying well-mannered, using an object instead of your bare hand to hit an old lady is perfectly acceptable.
Tips for success
When a telemarketer calls, tell them the person they're trying to reach has died.
Tips for success
Save your breath, you are going to need it to inflate your valentine.
Tips for success
If no one sees you eat it, the calories don't count...
Tips for success
Celebrate Columbus day by invading someone else's house and telling them you live there now.
Tips for success
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