To do list
Buy a pillow. Name it kindness. Smother my foes with kindness.
To do list
Put pants on two legs at a time.
To do list
Make a bumper sticker that says "I hate tailgaters" in a really small font.
To do list
Get botox right before going to a funeral. Tell the family how truly sorry I am for their loss.
To do list
Become a teacher. Write a test in which all the answers are "Violence."
To do list
Break personal record for days without dying.
To do list
Teach kids that obesity is cool by riding in a wheel chair and getting to the front of the line at Disney World.
To do list
Find out what that mysterious ticking noise is.
To do list
Find couple at the mall holding hands. Run through them yelling "Red Rover!"
To do list
Go to heaven and sneeze. Get blessed by God.
To do list
Tell your kids they can be anyone they want to be when they grow up. Then, explain to them how to commit identity theft.
To do list
Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream, "I'M YOU -- FROM THE FUTURE!!!"
To do list
Go to Burger King and order a Big Mac. Insist on having it "your way."
To do list
Watch paint dry on growing grass.
To do list
Invent a windshield wiper that won't leave that anonoying triangle.
To do list
Fill cup with water. Hold over head. Breathe under water forever.
To do list
Locate the security camera in a store. Stand in front of it. Hold up a sign that says, "I know you're watching me."
To do list
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones, reroute neighborhood.
To do list
Go to random person's house, put "free" signs on all lawn furniture.
To do list
Dress up as Santa Claus for Halloween.